How to improve your relationship

When things are not going well in a sexual and romantic relationship, it can really help if both partners try to understand why. If you are in a relationship that's in trouble, ask yourself the following questions. What do you each want out of the relationship? Are you getting it? Are you about to leave your partner? Or do you still enjoy your life together?

When things are not going well in a sexual and romantic relationship, it can really help if both partners try to understand why.

So, if you are in a relationship that's in some trouble, it might be useful to ask yourself the following questions.

What do you each want out of the relationship?
Do you still enjoy your life together?
Are you ready to sacrifice time and energy to make your relationship work again?
Do you still love each other?

Your answers should help you pinpoint the extent of the problem and whether or not you both have the energy and the will to improve things.

Let's look now at some common causes of relationship difficulties and ways to tackle them.

Stop the blame game

When things are going badly, couples tend to ask which of them is to blame. This question isn't helpful.
It's better by far for both partners to accept that they share joint responsibility for the relationship and to agree that when they are having problems they should work at them together.
Dr Jack Dominian, who – until his retirement – was one of the UK’s leading relationship psychiatrists, always says that if couples want to improve their relationships, they should ban the phrase: 'The trouble with you is …' This is good advice!

Find time to work on your relationship

In today's busy, modern world, you need to find time for each other. This is not easy if you both have hectic careers and becomes even more difficult when you have children.
But if you have established that you both have a will to make things better, you might find it helpful to look at your joint schedules and find some extra time when you can be together.
If you don't find time, improvement will be slow or non-existent.
But if you can make time to talk and to be together, you may well overcome your difficulties.

Change the way you communicate

Frequently, couples stop making an effort with each other. They may even insult each other or take each other for granted.
Suppose the door bell rings. One partner may yell at the other: 'Get that will you?' It doesn't take much effort to add the word 'please' or to ask in a different way, such as: 'Would you mind answering the door?'
This may sound a small point, but when couples bellow demands at each other, it sounds abrasive and disrespectful.
When aggression becomes a habit, it can seriously damage the romance in a relationship.
The key thing here is to work at continuing to show each other the respect that you did when you first met.

Make an effort for each other

Lack of respect can also be shown in appearances. It's sad that couples often stop making an effort with how they look.
A small thing like changing work clothes for something brighter for dinner – and the woman putting on some make-up and the man having a shave – can transform a routine evening into more of an occasion.

Try the 10-minute rule

Men often say: 'She just wants to go on and on about things, and it drives me mad.' While women say: 'We never talk.' Both parties cannot be right!
If you and your partner are struggling to discuss the things that matter to you both, it's a good idea to deploy the 10-minute rule. Before starting, agree some rules, such as that you will not swear, not shout and not leave until you have completed the task. This is what you do.

One partner has his or her say for 10 minutes. During this time the other partner listens intently and does not interrupt.
After 10 minutes, the second partner takes the floor for 10 minutes. Men, in particular, appreciate the chance to have their say without interruption and with the guarantee that the conversation will not go on all night.
After both of you have had your say, have a further 10 minutes between you.
The whole discussion should be over in 30 minutes.
If both parties agree to carry on with the conversation, that's fine, but it should never go on for more than an hour.

If you both know that you have limited time, you will be more concise, and hopefully make some real progress.

Have an evening out

Try to have one evening out per week, just the two of you. If you have children this is more difficult to arrange, but, with effort, it’s usually not impossible. And when you have this 'date', do avoid talking about your offspring or work.

Socialise as a couple

Another good thing to do is to make sure that you get some friends round on a regular basis, even if it's just for a takeaway or supper round the kitchen table.
You'll have a good laugh, and if these friends have known you since the beginning of your relationship, it will remind you of happier days and you'll feel younger and more carefree.

Pursue a joint hobby

It is common for people to want to exercise or go to an evening class or join a choir – but often this causes friction in the relationship because it's clear that as a couple the man and woman don't see enough of each other as it is.
A solution to this is to take up an interest that both of you can do.
So have a think about tennis, or salsa or tango, or running, or yoga or doing a language course together or a cookery one. This kind of joint activity often livens up a relationship and can offer stimulus and fun to both parties.
-Carliandass

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